Wednesday, September 21, 2011

sometimes pigs just happen...

they weren't on my list this week but somehow they just appeared.

i am having an "off" month. almost every other night john has been in my dreams. in each dream he is very sick and weak, yet he insists on getting up and walking around. shortly after he died i wanted to dream of him so badly, but it never happened. after a year passed he appeared occasionally but rarely spoke. he was just there.

it was in september when things started to go down hill for john. he was in a lot of pain and nothing seemed to help. this year i don't feel like i spend my days dwelling on those fall days (as i did previous years) but i do think it is affecting my sleep and dreams.

the night before last jeff and i were searching through netflix streaming. jeff came across "What Dreams May Come", an old Robin Williams movie. i had seen it at the theater back in '98 so i knew what it was about... tragedy, death and the afterlife. i should have said "pick something else" but didn't. i ended the night in a mess of tears, crying myself to sleep.

perhaps i needed something to bring grief back to the surface and not keep it buried... healthier in the long run?

i think the pigs weren't on my list but they were on John's...
and that's why they are here.

7 comments:

  1. Certain times of year bring reflection for me and that seems to happen when the seasons change, I had a strange dream about being back in school and working on my masters in clay, must be the time of year. Now I happen to be reading a book called Memory about someone who remembers past lives, it's a rather strange book, but I'm liking it. I always think it's better to get things out than to keep them buried since I think they'll come back to haunt me later.

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  2. Poor baby, here's a hug for you!
    Since Wesley left for college I keep having a dream that I have lost her, and I dream about my dad that passed away 18 years ago all the time, at least once a week. You would think it would end by now, but I still miss him every day. I can understand how war veterans dread sleep, my dreams are nothing to compare with what they go through, I'm sure, but all the same sometimes I dread dreaming......
    feel better, keep your hands busy, pigs help, at least they bring a smile! I know that movie you mentioned, yep- shoulda passed on that one!
    xoxo

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  3. watch something funny- and laugh out loud long and hard.
    Crying cleans the soul and it is not unusually to think of those lost to us.
    I keep thinking the past year for me must be two years long and come October it will only be one year.
    So fast this year has gone that I find it hard to breath some days.
    Go do something for you and get out of the shop and away from the pots for a day.
    Yes- go do it- go alone and wander or have lunch with someone- just get out and refresh your head.
    That's all--Chow!
    M

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  4. Wow it is totally freaky that I randomly came across this blog and post. I have been having lots of dreams about my sweet John who I lost just over 2 years ago AND I decided to make myself a cute little pig bank also. I love pigs and John always gave me one when I felt especially down. Here is to all the good John's who are no longer in physical space but long in out hearts.

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  5. thanks to all... feeling better these last two days. a friend from NH is arriving tomorrow to spend the long weekend, really looking forward to it!

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  6. Hi Kim, thank you for reading and I hope you will continue to join in the conversation. so sorry to hear that you to have lost your sweet John too.
    be well, ~m

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