Thursday, March 10, 2011

finding love after loss

recently someone very close to me told me they think i moved too quickly into a new relationship after john died.  that i was selfish and have become a different person in the last two years.  since john's death i have followed a few blogs about widows, widowers and families left behind.  interestingly enough there was a post i read this week on the very subject of finding love again soon after loss.  below is a comment from that blog...

I have heard the scathing comments about others who have dared not to follow the "script" of widowhood. Especially when it comes to love. 
I always think - they must have been so loved and so in love because despite it all - the broken and smashed heart of grief - they dare to risk it all again. It is the most courageous act - to open your heart to love again when you have lost someone you so desperately wanted to be with forever. I always said I wanted my life to be defined by one thing and that was how much I could love. My husband taught me more about that than anyone ever has. 
Why must we forgo our humanity to prove that we loved them so deeply?

am i a different person than i was two years ago? absolutely.  how can you be the caregiver for your loved one, hold them in your arms as they die and not be affected by that?  have i become selfish?  maybe.  perhaps i felt i deserved to be.  moving forward i will be conscious of that side of me and work harder at not being selfish.
the one thing i will not do is apologize for finding love again.  even if it was too soon for other peoples standards.


  1. the right person turns up- do you want to hurt them by a refusal? Do you want to live with regret all your life?
    Who are we to question Fate's motives?

  2. It's amazing that anyone should think they can dictate another person's grief, how it manifests itself, how you learn to live with it and move on. It truly is remarkable that anyone would criticize a widow or widower for that. But they do it. A good friend of mine, Mie Elmhirst, has talked to me a lot about this kind of thing. Her husband died 10 years ago. She's got a website,, which might be worth looking at. You're in the right here, Michele.

  3. Isn't funny how people think they know what is right for other people. No one knows for sure what someone else is thinking or why. I am glad you aren't letting yourself be judged! And looking forward to getting to know you both better.

  4. You absolutely have the right to be selfish. If you can find love, no matter when or with whom, you have found love, what can be wrong with that!
    My mom went through a very similar experience with my dad's cancer and death, but for 17 years she grieved and drove me crazy. A good friend of hers for over 30 years lost his wife 2 years ago and in only three months he was married to my mom. My mom is the happiest person I have ever seen, and this man is wonderful to her and to me. Love at 80! We should all be so lucky to find love once but you and my mom have found it twice. What a bonus!

  5. So brave of you to post your thoughts here; no one else knows what is right or best for another. Since I've read your blog for a long while your love for John has always shown through. Since you have found love again so much the better. I don't think any love should be considered selfish.

  6. sometimes, and this is brutal, you have to say fuch family! fuch the haters! None of their business. I know you and I know Jeff and knew JZ. Seems to me that yours and Jeff's love of JZ brought you 2 together. Simple math, not hard to figure out. NO you are not more selfish. What is selfish? Who on earth could you possibly owe anything to, your daughter is an adult, nobody else should count on you for anything etcetcetc. So, in the end, you say phhhbbbtttt! And move on.

  7. thank you everyone for your support! jeff and i have been friends for nearly ten years - this was meant to be.
    i am very lucky to have a sister who is very supportive and happy for me and i appreciate her immensely!

  8. pootier is my word... so poot is all i have to say- poot to people who don't want others to be happy.
    I always thought if you had a happy relationship then you would know when to have another.
    I have told Mark and our kids if- if something happens I would hope Mark would find love again.
    Love is a funny thing and sometimes we don't chose who we will love it just happens.


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