Art Therapy

I never made it into the pottery studio on Sunday. The day was spent doing household stuff like pushing the vacuum around and running the washing machine. The bisque kiln was firing away, getting our pots ready to be glazed today.

In the corner of one room, three new canvasses have sat for nearly a year. I bought them to create a triptych of ginkgo leaves for Danielle's birthday. The evening that I came home with the canvas and a few other supplies, the phone rang as soon as I set my bag down.  It was my sister. She was calling with the news of my parents car accident. The accident that began the spiral of events that consumed my winter and ended with my mother's passing in May. I had neither the time nor inclination to start the painting. As time wore on I would move them to vacuum behind them but still couldn't bring my self to peel of the plastic coverings and get to work.

Yesterday I decided it was time. I set up my work space and started to paint.
It felt so good...
So good that the time got away from me. I was listening to music and happily mixing colors and laying down my background. When I looked at the clock it was 10pm and we hadn't eaten dinner yet! Jeff was still in the studio throwing pots. I cleaned up my paints, gave some leftovers a new life, and we enjoyed our late night dinner together.

The Passing of Time

February 17th came and went and I didn't remember that it was Jz's birthday. I thought about it a few times before the date, and didn't remember again until the 18th. In the past I have grilled burgers (his favorite food) and sipped scotch to celebrate his life. This year it came and went without my marking the occasion.

At first I was sad and a little mad at myself for forgetting. Then I realized it means I have moved beyond grief and enjoy a happy new life with Jeff. It doesn't mean I have forgotten Jz at all.

On the New Hampshire home front, my Mom has had some rough days. Her nurse and physical therapist think she will see a big improvement by the end of the week. Thankfully my sister has been able to stay with her and Dad. As for me, I am trying to avoid the feelings of guilt for not being there. Not easy when you were raised Catholic. ;-)

Reflections on the past

4 years have passed since John died. I try not to dwell too much on this day, mostly I keep my thoughts to myself... I prefer to celebrate his life on his birthday in February. Thats not to say that I don't find myself counting down the days in December until the twelfth arrives. This year I have also been thinking about another woman's journey through life and death...

I have a facebook "friend" that I have never met. She is a painter who splits her time between North Carolina and Maine. She grew up in New Hampshire and we "met" through a mutual, real and in the flesh friend, Mark. Katy's guy has cancer and it's terminal. He has spent a lot of time in India and he decided he wanted to return there to die with dignity, and in his own way. They visited with lots of family and friends in the United States before making the long trip to India. I have kept up with their journey through a blog they are writing together.

I know from experience that it's hard for family and friends to accept the decisions you make about how you want to die. John wanted to die at home. There was no way he was going back to the hospital or a hospice facility. His parents would have liked him to go back to Maryland and be close to them, my parents thought a hospice house would be better than home, they worried about me having to take care of him. John was the one dying, it was his choice to make. We both knew that home was the best place for him. Everyone finally accepted his decision. I took a leave of absence from work and we were nearly inseparable from November 1st until December 12th. A hospice nurse did come whenever we needed her. It was a very special and intimate time... like we were in our own little 'bubble" of a world for six weeks.
John died at home during the big ice storm of 2008... we had no power or heat, and a tree had fallen on my car, ripping the power lines off the house as it fell. I wrote a post about that day and you can read it here and here.

The hardest part about losing a partner is returning to "real life" and coming home to an empty house.

Expecting to receive that smile and warm hug...
and it's not there, the house is empty.

I have been thinking a lot about Katey's long journey back to the United States from India without her beloved. I am sure it will be a difficult one to make and my wish for her is strength and courage.

finding love after loss

recently someone very close to me told me they think i moved too quickly into a new relationship after john died.  that i was selfish and have become a different person in the last two years.  since john's death i have followed a few blogs about widows, widowers and families left behind.  interestingly enough there was a post i read this week on the very subject of finding love again soon after loss.  below is a comment from that blog...

I have heard the scathing comments about others who have dared not to follow the "script" of widowhood. Especially when it comes to love. 

I always think - they must have been so loved and so in love because despite it all - the broken and smashed heart of grief - they dare to risk it all again. It is the most courageous act - to open your heart to love again when you have lost someone you so desperately wanted to be with forever. I always said I wanted my life to be defined by one thing and that was how much I could love. My husband taught me more about that than anyone ever has. 

Why must we forgo our humanity to prove that we loved them so deeply?

am i a different person than i was two years ago? absolutely.  how can you be the caregiver for your loved one, hold them in your arms as they die and not be affected by that?  have i become selfish?  maybe.  perhaps i felt i deserved to be.  moving forward i will be conscious of that side of me and work harder at not being selfish.

the one thing i will not do is apologize for finding love again.  even if it was too soon for other peoples standards.

stormy weather...

... february was quite a month. john's birthday on the 17th, my league of nh craftsmen jury the 22nd and then we were hit with a phenomenal wind and rain/snow storm on the 25th. we lost power here on bow lake for nearly four days. the storm immediately brought back the memories of my last week with john. many of you know that he passed away during the ice storm of 2008. he was in my dreams two nights ago and it was only the second time since he has been gone. the first few months after his death i so wanted to dream of him and i was saddened that i did not. i belong to a young widows grief group and have learned from others that my experience is not unusual. it was a weird dream, of course, and in it john didn't speak.

it dawned on me today that this stage of grief is like the frost heaves in the road that we have here in new hampshire... they start with little bumps that overnight turn into huge heaves with peaks and valleys...if you drive too fast over them they toss you around and can cause damage... then almost over night, the frost heaves are gone and the road is nearly smooth. that is how february felt for me.

i am looking forward to march and smoother travels.

close up of the bottom of a wood fired oval baker... because after all, isn't this supposed to be a pottery blog?

sometimes... life is tough.

... last wednesday would have been jz's 59th birthday. i sort of knew in the back of my head that it would bring feelings of grief and anger bubbling back to the surface. add this to other stresses in my life and i have become totally overwhelmed. i know time will make things easier. yet sometimes i don't want them to get easier because then i feel like i am forgetting him. the one thing i have learned from this is that i am no longer afraid of dying. it's way harder to be the person left behind.

don't ask me what this video has to do with this post other than i like it and wanted to share it.

long ride home...

grief is a complex emotion...i think i am doing just fine and then something or a series of events brings it all back to the surface and the sadness overwhelms...

this just seemed right for today.